All the Feels: Issue #3

[Image ID: a black banner with images outlined in light pink. On the left are two text messages that read "All the Feels" and "A Queer Advice Column on Emotional Communication." On the right are three sheets of newspaper with the words "Margeaux Feldman" and "Dear All the Feels." In the background are sparkles and four hearts of varying sizes. Illustration by Milo (@rotten.milo on IG). Image IDs for the text templates can be found at the end of this post.]

Dear All the Feels,

My relationship with a longtime friend seemed to turn into therapy sessions which wasn’t really useful for either of us so I told them that I thought it would be better for them to talk to a therapist about their relationship as their partner is manipulative/mentally abusive. We also made an agreement to ask each other what we needed i.e. advice, a listening ear etc.

In December I had some medical issues and I didn’t have a response for my friend asking me what I needed. They said they would call me a couple days later to check in which they never did. This isn’t uncommon for them to do. We haven’t talked since and part of me is ok with that and part of me feels guilty. Is it necessary to circle back and renegotiate again?

Sincerely,

Do I Stay or Do I Go Now

Dear Do I Say or Do I Go Now,

First I just want to celebrate you for naming how you were feeling about your friendship dynamic the first time around, and for coming up with a plan for how to navigate offering support in the future! The annoying thing about trying something new is that old patterns can very easily take back over. If I can get a bit science-nerdy for a moment: when we develop a pattern of behaviour, it literally becomes a pathway in our brain. It’s like walking through the same field on your way to school every day. First there’s grass. Then, as you take the same path, the grass gets smushed down, and eventually you create a little dirt pathway. There’s no conscious choice being made here. You fall into that same path because it’s what your brain knows. When you decide, one day, to create a new path through the field, you’re gonna find that you end up on that old path from time to time. It sounds like it was easier for you to create that new pattern of asking each other for what you needed than it was for your friend.

Now just because that’s the case, doesn’t mean that you need to stick around and wait for your friend to adapt. That’ll really depend on you and whether staying in this relationship and renegotiating feels like the most supportive thing you can do. Regardless, it might feel good for you to name the disappointment or hurt that you’re feeling because of their actions. When a boundary has been crossed, our fight response really wants us to name it. You don’t necessarily have to do that with your friend. But, if you do decide to stay, letting them know the impact that their actions had is something I’d really recommend. Here are a few scripts you could use to move through this conversation.

With softness,

All the Feels

Dear All the Feels,

I’m in a new relationship and it’s incredible and amazing and so nourishing. But I’ve been recognizing that my trauma brain has been experiencing some real activation whenever my partner expresses that they’re feeling uncertain or confused. Suddenly I feel terrified and like I should flee the room. I’ve always understood myself as tending towards an anxious attachment style, and in other partnerships (always with avoidant attachment folks), my trauma brain reaction is to get as close to them as possible. I’m really confused by this desire to run away from them/our relationship. I want there to be space for their uncertainty and confusion, which I know is really scary for them to express to me. And I’m feeling like I want to talk to them about how my body is responding in these moments so that we can figure out some way for their to be space for their uncertainty and for me to feel safe. Would love your advice on how to name this experience with them.

Sincerely,

Running Away But I Wanna Stay

Dear Running Away But I Wanna Stay,

Oof! Just wanna acknowledge how terrifying uncertainty can be for us trauma bbs. And I wonder if, for your trauma brain, it’s come to learn that uncertainty = danger. If you grew up in a home that was chaotic, where financial stability/job security was in flux; your caregivers’ emotions fluctuated dramatically and unpredictably; you received contradictory messages from your caregivers (e.g. you are loved but never good enough), then you learn quite quickly that uncertainty equals danger, punishment, a threat to love and connection. We call this the disorganized attachment style or fearful-avoidant. For so long, I’d only ever heard of anxious or avoidant attachment, and it was very clear to me that I was an anxious attachment bb. But then I read Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy and WOW! Everything I read about disorganized attachment rang true for me. Now I wanna offer the caveat that we can move through different attachment styles depending on the person or context. Which sounds like it may be the case here, in this new partnership.

When it comes to talking about your experience with your partner, you can be accountable for your experience here. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing confusion or uncertainty (though, if I’m being real, I know that I’d certainly love to never experience either ever again!). Focus on how your trauma brain interprets these cues. I’m wondering if there’s something that you could ask for that would make you feel safer in these moments. E.g. “Before you name what you’re feeling uncertain about in our relationship, could you share something that you’re feeling really good about first?” Or, “I’d really love it if you could hold my hand or make physical contact with me when you share these feelings with me.” All humans want to feel safe in their connections with others. What helps you feel safe in your connection? If you can collaborate with your partner on finding a support that feels good for you and doable for them, then you might find that these moments of uncertainty feel a little less scary.

With softness,

Margeaux

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IMAGE IDS FOR THE TEXT MESSAGE TEMPLATES:

Two blue text messages bubbles as seen on an iPhone screen. The text bubble on the left reads: “Hey friend, I’ve been sitting with some hurt feels these past few months and wanted to address the lack of communication between us. When I reached out and told you I was having medical issues, you said you’d call me, but then you never did. I’d been hoping that you’d ask me what I needed, as that’s what we agreed to do when the other person needed support. I’d really like to move through this and would like to know what’s been happening for you these past months.” The text bubble on the right reads: “Hey friend, I want to name that I’m feeling hurt that I never heard back from you when I reached out in December. I thought that we’d agreed to ask each other what we needed to feel supported, and it made me sad when I didn’t receive that question from you. I’m wondering if we need to revise our agreement. Is that something you’d want to talk about?”

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GUIDELINES FOR SUBMITTING YOUR QUESTIONS:

• 150 words max. Submissions that are longer than that will not be considered.

• Begin submissions with “Dear All the Feels” and sign off with an anonymous signature that summarizes your question (e.g. Sincerely, Spoonie Seeking Boundaries or Frustrated With Family).

• Please provide a content note at the start of your question if/when needed. Eg. Content Note: sexual assault and gaslighting.

• Questions can be sent to AllTheFeels@margeauxfeldman.com.