The Power of Seeing Ourselves
Content Note: bullying, slut shaming, rape, sexual assault, substance use
One of my biggest wounds, and biggest triggers, is not being seen by others. When others make assumptions about me, say things about me that are untrue, or refuse to see me in my multitudes, a young part of me gets hella activated, bringing along with it my fight response who wants to defend my honour with all of the energy it can muster. It's like my Mercury in Leo ("see me, see me!" energy) and Mars in Cancer ("let me care for you in conflict by bringing the fight") have joined forces in the most intense and loving way.
As someone who was at the centre of the rumours spreading like wildfire in my grade 9 year, not being seen brought with it bullying, slut shaming, threats, and ostracization. These experiences took away any sense of safety, belonging, and self-regard I had.
To add gasoline to the fire, the rumours were that I'd had sex with an older boy at another high school. What I couldn't acknowledge at the time was that the sex wasn't consensual. I was much too high, off the weed that this boy and his friends gave me, to have been able to consent. But it would take me a decade to name that this event, the losing of my virginity, was rape.
This event, and the bullying that followed it, taught me that sex (which was the only form of connection I could easily grasp) was never safe. And so I'd have sex with whatever boy desired me, and I was always high or drunk or some combination of the two. In not being seen by others, I quite literally refused to see myself, using different methods of dissociation to disavow my existence.
I'm now deep in my healing work around the stories that I carry about intimacy, connection, safety, and self-worth. And in that work, I'm learning to connect with my the preteen, teenage and young adult selves who believe that sex and emotional connection are mutually exclusive categories.
What I experienced at my high school wasn't an isolated experience. I was bullied at home too through my father's emotional neglect and verbal abuse. He refused to see all parts of me, and I was reduced to the straight-A student who made him look like a good parent, and the daughter who played the role of surrogate mother. I learnt to repress all of my wild selves, and pushed my fight part so deep down into me that I truly believed that I never experienced anger. What I know now is that that anger was very much alive and well, and it made itself known in my early 30s, when chronic illness took over my body.
While my traumas have impacted my need to feel seen, I also recognize that being seen is a need that we all have. And if we're not seen, again and again, that becomes a kind of trauma.
Over the past 12 hours I've had my not seen wound poked at, and it's resulted in some serious inner conflict between my fight, flight, and freeze parts. The TL;DR is that sometimes humans on the internet can suck. The longer story is that someone created a fake IG account so that they could comment on a post of mine, questioning my credentials: "They're not a therapist, or counsellor, and they've only been doing peer support very recently. I just can't even." (Despite deleting the comment as soon as I saw it, the words are etched in my brain.)
While my fight part was for all intents and purposes non-existent back in high school, they are very much alive now. And they want to speak and be heard. They want to respond to these false allegations so intensely. It's clear that my fight part is still living in the past, and wants to make up for what they couldn't do before: defend me.
As I lay in bed last night, stewing in my anger, flight decided to join the party. My flight part's role is to help me escape when things are feeling bad. And so it was trying desperately to refocus my attention on a million other tasks, ideas, plans for the future. The dual fight-flight action then brought my freeze part online. Freeze was freaking out, worrying about the possible consequences of fight's desires, and wanted everyone to stop doing anything at all.
Having just listened to my Chani horoscope for the week ahead, I know that Saturn and Uranus have entered their second square of the year. Squares represent planetary alignments (or aspects) that will be challenging. Given that Saturn is the planet of structure and tradition, and Uranus is the planet of upheaval and rebellion, we can see how there might be some tension there. If I apply this astrology to my trauma responses, freeze is like Saturn and fight and flight are pure Uranus energy.
This action is happening in my 3rd house of communications and daily routines and my 6th house of work life and health. The call here is to recognize how precious our time is (major Saturn energy) and choose to orient ourselves towards joy (which feels like some serious Uranus rebellion to me).
The first Saturn-Uranus square happened in February. When I look back on that moment of time, I realize that I was fully embroiled in the cancel cancel culture posts happening on IG. I had trolls coming to my account to belittle and harass me, I had people in my comments asking for far too much free intellectual and emotional labour from me, and I had people spreading rumours about me. At that point in time, I chose to engage with all of the comments and my fight response was in full defense mode.
This time, I want to do something differently. Instead of posting on IG, or even opening the app, I'm choosing to write here. And I want to share some photos -- some old, some new.
In connecting with my younger selves, I'm taking them on dates where we do the things that they loved to do. Recently, I staged a photo shoot in my living room. I've always loved posing for the camera and being a goof, and this is an activity that I used to do a lot with my mom before her death.
Today I took some of those new photos and some old ones and wrote some affirmations to myself, my younger selves, and my parts. I hope that they can offer you some affirmation too.
And if you're interested in learning more about parts work (e.g. fight, flight, freeze, submit, and attach-cry) there's still time to sign up for my webinar on June 26th: "Carrying Ourselves Home: Getting to Know Our Parts."
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Image IDs: four hot pink squares with a polaroid frame on the right, and a light grey rectangle with writing in typewriter font. The first is a photo of Margeaux posing on a brightly coloured ottoman in their living room. They're wearing all black and their arms are extended out in the air. The writing beside them reads: "Even when others refuse to see me in my multitudes, even when they make assumptions about me, may I root in the knowledge that the only expert on me is me." The second photo is Margeaux's grade 11 photo. The writing reads: "May I remember that even when others can't see me (because that will happen) or paint false pictures about me (that too), I can still see me." The third photo is similar to the first, with Margeaux in a different pose. The writing reads: "I don't have to choose their distorted mirror. May I boldly hold up my own reflection and let all those parts of me know, 'I see you. No one can change that.'" The final photo is Margeaux around age 9 or 10. They're wearing their dance outfit and are blowing a kiss at the camera. The writing reads: "May I remember that I do not owe anyone my multitudes. Nor must I justify my work, my story, my existence. Only those who've earned it deserve all parts of me."
